February 07, 2005

seeing

i stood shivering outside a cvs in boston waiting for my friend. a homeless man walked up to me and asked if i was a bum. i guess that doesn't say much for my appearance. i was wearing a ratty old jacket. i had been outside in the rain all day. i was carrying plastic bags filled with free things from the concert we'd helped at. i told him i was not a bum, and asked if he was. he said yes, and so i asked if he liked it. i don't know why i asked, and i don't know why i was surprised when he said no and walked away. for some reason i like that memory. i like that a bum talked to me as if i was a bum. i wish i could know what he was going to say to me before he found out i was too good for him.

when i'm at the hospital i pass a lot of cleaning ladies. i pass the same ladies because i spend my time there on the same hall on the 9th floor. i always smile and mumble a hello, but they rarely notice. they don't look up when i pass them. it bothers me that they won't notice me.

i was eating lunch out with my grandparents, and there was a beautiful tiny old woman eating alone across from us. i watched her carefully cut up her food, and slowly stir her tea. she was so small in the booth. so all alone.

there is a boy with down's syndrome at my church. he sings loudly with only a few of the right words, and all of the emphasis on the last word in each line. he plays ping pong with the other boys and hits the ball so hard it flies off the table. it makes him laugh hard. i watch him eat doughnuts alone in the corner. the more i watch him, the more i can't resist watching him.

i was walking to the checkout line in walmart looking into faces as i passed them when i saw a woman who looked like death. we were across from the the pink valentine display when we passed each other. she was bald under her black hood. her face was pale and hollow. i've seen bald women, and i've seen sickly faces, but i've never seen death on the living. it was startling. it made me question for a second if her face had survived a severe burn accident. the death stuck out like a missing appendage. it didn't frighten or sadden me, it made me want to walk around the store with her.

today i sat on the bleachers of the elementary school alternating between my book and watching my little sisters do their cheers for the fourth grade basketball team. i couldn't watch the game for more than 10 seconds without staring at the shadows on the court and thinking about the boy on the sidelines in the wheelchair. he was watching his younger brother play. he had played basketball and soccer and football until a little over a year ago when an accident left him paralyzed. his life is defined now, and so is he. i wonder how it feels to know you will always be on the sidelines.

i don't know when i started noticing the unnoticed, but it hasn't been for long enough. i don't know why some people are ignored. i don't know why we don't think thoughts about them. i don't assume my thoughts about them are worth much. i do assume they don't want my pity thoughts. and i do have pity for them, but i also have questions. they must know things unnoticers miss knowing.

Posted by red clay at February 7, 2005 12:29 AM | TrackBack
Comments

I call them "Thrown Away People".
I have the same passion and am drawn to them.
I am not sure other people understand my obsession.
I am not sure other people realize how close we all are to being these thrown away people.

But even in their thrown away state I feel that they are more worthy than I. I hear your words. I feel your feelings. I appreciate that you see that they simply want acceptance just like we all do. That they have worth that most of us discard.

Kelly
You impress me so much. So much wisdom in just one person.

Take Care
Michael

Posted by: Michael at February 7, 2005 09:12 AM

this post is like a hymn.

Posted by: amy at February 7, 2005 10:14 PM

... they are the broken hearted, the captives, the poor, the blind, lame and broken people, the oppressed ... to these we can proclaim the Lord's favour... those who are to know him will hear and believe.

And so I wonder .. Do they wan't questions, or answers? I think the later should always follow the former, even if we feel uncomfortable or think they don't want to hear. It is all easy said than done, and so we need his anointing.

May the Lord bless you Kelly as you minister his Name and his good news to the unnoticed.

Posted by: Peter at February 8, 2005 03:33 AM

michael. you are right, i really don't think people realize how close we are to being these people. i don't want to have to become one to make me notice and understand them on some level. and i think i am them at times...have been them before. thanks for your words. it's good to know you notice them.

amy. thank you. i prefer hymns.

peter. thanks for your words. i can't say i've done more than start to notice. but it's something.

Posted by: kelly at February 8, 2005 10:51 AM

I like what you said here... "they must know things unnoticers miss knowing."

I wonder if they noticed that you noticed them....? I wonder if the ladies who clean the hospital try to avoid looking up so that they don't have to face the rejection of not being noticed....

I was the noticed a while back... right before Christmas, I had some gum surgery which left me really very swollen, bruised, and with a black eye, and I remember people noticing me, looking at my face, glancing at me with inquisitive looks that I read as, "you poor thing..." "you're hurt..." "who hurt you?..." "you don't deserve to be abused..." there were many that couldn't take their eyes off me... which made me want to avoid their notice and their looks of wondering what happened to me because I didn't know how to respond, in some ways their concern was touching, but it felt hard to hold and recieve from them, especially because I didn't know them, nor had we had any words exchanged, only looks.

I love your posts Kelly! They always make me think a lot and long after I've turned off the computer. :)

Posted by: monica at February 10, 2005 06:57 PM

Hi Kelly... Monica... last comment... through her blog directed me here!!

What a beautiful post you have touched my heart deeply.. I love to look at people too.. not staring.. though.. I find them fascinating.. I love them actually.. each person is special in some way...

I hope God gives you a deeper and more compassionate heart so that somehow you can reach out with the love and depth you obviously have inside and can go that extra mile..

You have a gift to notice these people and I believe God could give you what you needed to make that connection to these people...

God knows they need people like you..

Love to you from Sharon

Posted by: Sharon at February 10, 2005 09:18 PM

Blessed Kelly,

Ive never been here before, I found this place through another journal. Id like to know you. It takes a certain kind of beautiful person to notice the unnoticables. I hope you stop by my journal sometime, or email. But Ill be back agian if its ok. I always love new people! My name is yanisin, and I am 20 yrs old, in case u wanted to know a little snippit about lil' ol' me. God bless you. :)

Posted by: yanisin at February 11, 2005 03:01 AM

I have been very touched by your post. It is truly thought-provoking. I used to notice people more than I do now. I think I need to notice more and then ACT on what I notice. What an example that would set for my son. Thanks for making me think.

Posted by: Sherry at February 16, 2005 03:27 PM

sherry. i'm glad. thank you. i definitely need to act more, and maybe notice more for the right reasons. but i don't necessarily know what that would look like...but it's worth trying to figure out.

Posted by: kelly at February 16, 2005 11:17 PM
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